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[其他] 本人第一篇issue 恳请各位大牛指教!!

本人第一篇issue 恳请各位大牛指教!!

题目:ISSUE 100 - "The pressure to achieve high grades in school seriously limits the quality of learning. An educational environment without grades would promote more genuine intellectual development."

      According to the statement above, many people agree that the grade is an inappropriate way to make students pursuit for great achievements, however others do not, they concern about the accurate data of students achievements which they could evaluate their children, on the balance, I have another thinking about this topic.
      The most effective way of evaluation is grade which we created for years; the grade is indeed a great method which is used in many aspects, as mostly in schools, in companies, in authorities. When we want to compare our work to others', almost all the manager will use some data to evaluate the achievement we have accomplished, but why there are more and more people is afflict with mental disease in this high-tech society? The answer is the pressure we are facing is much more than before, accurately it's grades or data' fault.
       To my opinion, on the one hand, we are addicting with grades and data, maybe everything depends on them, although it's accurately and clearly to evaluate them, in order to give more chance of promotion to the employee, what will happen, next? All the employees' eyes are sticking on the data they concern. Maybe they only do the certain things which could promote the data they concern. Just think about children in the schools, they are doing their best in order to rank in the first, that means more chance of pride and even scholarship, as this aim more and more parents spend money, time, on their children, and they force their children study more and harder, which may lead to an unhealthy mental and mind, also these might stop development of genuine intellectual. However, we are still fall in this odd circle.
        On the other hand, we also should accept it in some place, especially in schools, although grades harms many children and make parents waste a lot of money and time, but them could help your children have an kind of concept, if children progress, how do they know whether they have progressed or not, what they could do is still checking the grades and scores, these may help them build up their self-confident which pull them forward and help them go far away. if their grades falls down they have a awareness of fall behind, which will alert them, and they should do more efforts on their school work. Also in some realm of science, the scientist couldn't advance without grades and data, indeed without grades we may be able to promote more genuine intellectual development, but we couldn't progress and advance this society without them.
         What we do is just preserve the advantages and rectify the disadvantages of grades, especially for some group, like students in the schools, to some students who may be hurt by grades, should do our best to avoid using grades, to some students who like to use grades to evaluate their achievements, and should help them treat the grades correctly. We should know that every on in the society is different; we develop this society not only to the correct direction, but also to help everyone use their potential to benefit the society.

小弟在这先谢过各位了!!

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看了看

1.第一段没有明确表明自己的观点,仅说another thing about the topic 有些含糊
2.文章中有一些语法错误,可能是你笔误吧。
3。个人认为论证的理由有些空洞,没有给出强有力的例证。
以上是本人的一点拙见,仅供参考。
希望我们杀G成功!

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