据考试还有两个月~~~在学术的小艾的建议下~~开始坚定踏实的走我的写作提高路~~~~~
开这个帖子，是想把学习许轶的满分作文的例子的过程记录下来，和大家共勉进步，同时可以鞭策我好好的完成这项任务……
我的毅力实在不大好的说…………

另：刚想起来，许轶满分作文的电子版地址：http://bbs.xiaoma.com/thread-18659-1-1.html

非常谢谢小艾~~和坛子里所有的朋友………………

OK， 开始……

[ 本帖最后由 棉花糖落落 于 2008-8-10 19:34 编辑 ]

说明：紫色部分是原书修改意见；

【1】TOPIC #005:

A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near where you live. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new addition to your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

原文（4.5分左右）:（紫色部分是专家修改：6分）

（1）There are quite few factories in my community. (2)A new factory’s erection would have not only positive, but also negative effects on our community such as pollution. (3) However, I strongly believe the construction of a factory would bring us more advantages than disadvantages and therefore I fully support this idea.

(1) At present, there are few factories where my friends and family and I live, and the construction of a new one would have both positive and negative effects on our community. (2) Over all, I believe the new factory would give us more advantages than disadvantages.

笔记：

原文稍显啰嗦重复。

改后，第一句直接点题，并迅速交代背景。主题句，应尽量简单明确

第二句：

错误在于erection的误用。通常我们可以用set up、found和build来讲建起某个实物，而erect更多的是“使竖立”的意思，在表“建立”时通常指建立组织，因此，用在此不合适。在平时积累词语时要注意词语经常使用的语境，而不要只根据中文意思记词。

语言点：positive & negative 和 advantage & disadvantage的相互替换，避免重复

(4)Frankly speaking, building a new factory surely has several disadvantages. (5)For example, one of the main factors for the pollution of the environment comes from factories. (6) My neat city would grieve about the building of a factory. (7)In the past, children and adults loved to go for a walk in the neighboring park and relax on the cozy bench breathing the fresh air from the evergreens. (8)Moreover, our city is one of the most unpolluted cities in the country. (9)Thus, a new factory would definitely contaminate the life of most of the inhabitants.

(3) It is true that building a factory would cause a number of problems, one of the worst of which would probably be pollution. (4) The children and adults of our community love to go for walks in the park and relax on the cozy benches, breathing the fresh air. (5) A new factory would contaminate the living space of most of our city’s inhabitants to some degree. (6) It would also create extra noise and not look attractive.

笔记：

语言的精炼

改后的第三句概括了原文的第4、5句，个人觉得worst用的非常好，一方面体现了the main factors,同时也表现了其程度。

Pollution of the environment是常用的中式英语，在英文中，pollution直接就表示环境污染。

原文的第6句删除，啰嗦，同时我觉得本文想表达的是支持，那么说城市会因为建工厂而伤心，会影响主题的表达

原文第8句删除，啰嗦，我觉得表达牵强

原文第9句改为第5、6句，具体化问题，细节描述，客观性增强

（10）However, the building of a factory will inevitably bring a lot of advantages. （11）Firstly, a factory would cause more jobs available.（12） Some of the residents of our city lead miserable lives. （13）The poor people poke their feeble hands in the street baskets. （14）Others have an inadequate income and often they cannot secure the food they need.（15）Besides, graduates cannot find work, just because the employment rate is nearly the lowest in the country. （16）The factory, however, would provide a lot of jobs, because it would need not only qualified people, but also workmen. （17）In this way, many residents would have the opportunities for normal life. （18）Therefore, I strongly agree on erecting a mill near our community.

(7) However, the advantages of a new factory clearly outweigh the drawbacks. (8) The single most important thing would the factory do would be to create jobs. (9) We are in desperate need of economic revitalization. (10) As things stand now, some of the residents of our city lead miserable lives. (11) The homeless rummage through trash cans for food; the laid-off workers have an inadequate income and often cannot meet their rent; and even the well-educated have trouble finding proper work, because the employment rate here is nearly the lowest in the country. (12) New industry would provide a great deal of jobs, since it requires people not just for labor, but for middle and upper management as well. (13) With the opportunities provided by the factory, many residents may lead a more comfortable life. (14) The small amount of economic stimulation from one factory could be just what we need to break this cycle of recession and attract investment from outside.
(15) New businesses and cultural centers could start appearing, none of which pollute.

笔记：

原文的第十句改为第七句，我觉得有个思维的关系在里面，欧美的直线化思维，讲究把主要的先说出来。那么就是先提出来advantage，同时与前一段改后的第3句相比，更改了一下句式，使文章不那么生硬

第11句改为第8句，首先有个用词的问题，增加就业机会：create jobs；

改后第9句做解释和引申

第12句改为第10句，增加as things stand now,表面时间，更客观。

13、14、15改为第11句。我觉得改了以后思维和逻辑很完整，而且形成排比气势强烈，其他的说不出来，就是觉得好。

原文第13句

这个句子由一些英文不怎么地道的人来看也许会觉得比较有文采，但是由外国人看的话很可能不知道在讲些什么。不要用一些生硬的词将中文生译成英语，那样一是很可能因为失去语言的流畅感，二是因为中西文化的差异，同一个意思的表述方式很可能不同，三是这种译法可能会使用一些不符合语境的词，如这里的poke。要确定一些日常用语的说法，如垃圾箱是trash can或dustbin，而不是street basket.

16句改为第12句，require这个词和need的替换，还有就是but后面的内容是强调的，工人worker—labor, 中高层管理人员：middle and upper management

增加第13、14句，是对建设工厂优点的肯定，可能也有思维的关系，中国人讲究意犹未尽，外国人讲究平铺直述，好，为什么好，要说出来的。从具象到抽象，也比较客观令人信服。

改后的第15句作总结，并对前一段的负面影响做否定，从而支持观点，同时none of which pollute，
很简洁。

（19）We can mainly benefit from building a new factory. （20）Though it would pollute our city, it would provide many jobs we really require. （21）Employment is an immense problem in our state, so the government is trying to find ways to remedy the present situation.（22） Therefore, I strongly agree on erecting a mill near our community.

(16) I am convinced that we would mostly benefit from building a new factory. (17) Though it may pollute our city and cause minor annoyances, it would provide many jobs we badly need, and jobs are the first priority when it comes to quality of life. (18) Employment is a very serious problem in our state, and the government can only do so much to solve the problem. (19) Therefore, I strongly favor erecting a factory near our community to help resolve the difficulty facing our city

原文19句改为16句，强调我的观点。

第20、21句改为17、18句，我觉得改后的文章都是对原文的深入详细阐述。

第21句：这个句子还是用词的问题。Immense通常不用来修饰problem，而remedy也很少与situation相搭配，而是经常与wrongness或mistake连用。

改后的19句，favor 替代agree on；difficulty facing：面临的困难

专家修改（6分）:（赏析）

(1) At present, there are few factories where my friends and family and I live, and the construction of a new one would have both positive and negative effects on our community. (2) Over all, I believe the new factory would give us more advantages than disadvantages.

(3) It is true that building a factory would cause a number of problems, one of the worst of which would probably be pollution. (4) The children and adults of our community love to go for walks in the park and relax on the cozy benches, breathing the fresh air. (5) A new factory would contaminate the living space of most of our city’s inhabitants to some degree. (6) It would also create extra noise and not look attractive.

(7) However, the advantages of a new factory clearly outweigh the drawbacks. (8) The single most important thing the factory would do would be to create jobs. (9) We are in desperate need of economic revitalization. (10) As things stand now, some of the residents of our city lead miserable lives. (11) The homeless rummage through trash cans for food; the laid-off workers have an inadequate income and often cannot meet their rent; and even the well-educated have trouble finding proper work, because the employment rate here is nearly the lowest in the country. (12) New industry would provide a great deal of jobs, since it requires people not just for labor, but for middle and upper management as well. (13) With the opportunities provided by the factory, many residents may lead a more comfortable life. (14) The small amount of economic stimulation from one factory could be just what we need to break this cycle of recession and attract investment from outside.
(15) New businesses and cultural centers could start appearing, none of which pollute.

(16) I am convinced that we would mostly benefit from building a new factory. (17) Though it may pollute our city and cause minor annoyances, it would provide many jobs we badly need, and jobs are the first priority when it comes to quality of life. (18) Employment is a very serious problem in our state, and the government can only do so much to solve the problem. (19) Therefore, I strongly favor erecting a factory near our community to help resolve the difficulty facing our city

总体感觉：

1、
现阶段只能感觉到好，感觉不到为什么好。

2、
文章的思路来讲，写的很细，比如在阐述建造工厂的优点时，原文只是说因为人们的生活水平不高，所以工厂带来的工作机会很有帮助，但是改后具体化了工厂带来的工作机会，会让人们的生活水平提高，并为城市的发展做出贡献。这就深入了，而且有细节，比较可信。

3、
语言：原文一共22句，改后18句，并且用词和句式很丰富。句子也比较完整。简单句很少。

4、
体会：该简的地方不能啰嗦，该深的地方要深入分析。

词汇的多样化。

句式的多样性需要揣摩，但是我目前分析不透。

去年就买了，一直没看。。。。。。
订阅你的帖子了。
记得我会每天来看的！

呃~~~有压力~~谢谢楼上~~也期待你说说你的意见嘛~~大家互相交流~~~~~~

渔夫~~嘎嘎~~~多谢称赞哈~~~~~~~

[ 本帖最后由 棉花糖落落 于 2008-8-10 17:41 编辑 ]

8月10日

【2】TOPIC #006:

If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use specific examples to support your answer.

原文（5分左右）:

(1)If it were my right to choose one thing to be changed about my hometown, I would no doubt make my preference of building several public libraries. (2)This choice is due to the very fact that there has been a serious lack of public libraries, and most of the existing libraries are in extremely bad shape and are poorly equipped.

（1）If I had the chance to change one thing about my hometown, I would improve its system of libraries. （2）There is a serious shortage of libraries where I live, and most of the existing ones are in extremely bad shape and poorly equipped. （3）The town is attractive enough, and the economy and education are in good shape – but these last two might not be so good for long if our libraries deteriorate.

笔记：

第1句的修改，简练，开篇要简练--------这是ETS的喜好，用最精简的语言表达管线

增加了第3句。个人觉得这个句子很经典。优点在于，它提出了一个经济和教育非常好作为背景，从而衬托出图书馆不好是多么遗憾的一件事情。这个句子的思路也是可以在多处运用的。使得文章观点更加客观，具体，而且令人容易感同身受。

(3)The worst situation lies in the insufficient resource of libraries. (4)A foreigner would find it difficult to believe that there are only five or six public libraries in my hometown, whereas in other countries public libraries can be seen here and there. (5)Since the limited number of libraries built, the libraries are open to only a narrow number of readers, which has led to unpleasant result. (6)Not all students at universities can borrow books from the libraries. (7)Consequently many students have difficulties in finding the materials necessary for their professional fields.

（4）The low ratio of books to people is the most serious problem. （5） We are far behind cities of comparable size in this respect. （6）Access to books is very hard for those who do not have cars, and it is difficult for everyone to obtain the books that are in greatest demand. （7） Furthermore, the process for obtaining a library card is cumbersome, and, absurdly, it excludes a great deal of students.
（8）If anyone needs to be able to check out books reliably for schooling and research, it is a student.

笔记：

这一段，我觉得改后的文章比原文来讲，就是具体，把所有问题都具体化，细节化。原文中提到外国人不能相信我们只有3-5家图书馆（我觉得这个不够客观），提到只有少数人能借书，说到学生不容易借到专业书籍。原文将这个细致化，图书馆数量少，改后用没有车的人不方便借书来体现，同时说借书卡不容易办来体现借书程序不方便，然后提到学生为完成学校作业和研究借书而不得。都是将例子具体化了。也就是具体化了，细节也就表现出来了。

而且在逻辑上，原文显得并列，而改后的文章逻辑呈现递进，环环相扣的感觉非常强；

语言点：比如借书困难，我比较常用的表达是It’s difficult to……， people found it’s hard to……等，但是改后Access to books做主语，引导整个句子，最后一句的句式也是我们不常用的，但是这么用了以后，整个文章活泼一些。

原文第四句：尽量不要出现这种有关外国人看法的句子。你不是外国人，不会知道人家怎么想，如果人家不这样想，你的文章就有一个很大的缺点。另外，一个城市有五六个图书馆并不是difficult to believe的事，中国的很多城市并没有图书馆。关键在于改善这些图书馆，要注意对主题的把握。

(8)The low quality of these public libraries is also a serious problem. (9) The selection of books is not wide and the number of titles is also relatively small. (10)Students cannot easily find what they need here. (11)In addition, books from other countries were imported a long time ago, and most of them are out of date while the world is changing everyday. (12)Moreover, very few libraries have applied information technology into management of books yet. (13) It is an obvious truth that information technology such as searching program would help a reader to find a book within just a few seconds, but without it, the reader would have to spend much more time. (14)Thus the need of introducing advanced technologies is emergent.

（9）Another problem is the low quality of these libraries. （10） The range of materials offered is narrow; reference books are out of date, the fiction collection is unimpressive, and the libraries have not acquired new foreign works for about a decade. （11） The audiovisual collections, while not essential, could also do with some improvement. （12）Only two of our six libraries have connected to the Internet and applied new information technology to the management of their volumes. （13） While the written card system has its advantages, an online catalogue saves a patron many minutes of searching. （14） It also can provide for the ordering of books from other library districts. （15） Patrons who are not connected to the Internet at home should have free access to the World Wide Web for research.
（16）The older generations, especially, are going to be lost if they do not know how most people are acquiring new knowledge today. （17） I would say that our town is in a state of information crisis.

笔记：

原文第九句改为第十句，首先range对selection的替换很出彩，我们在学习英语词汇的时候，都是一对一的记忆，所以在作文这种输出的考试的时候，词汇量表现出了它很大的局限性，所以我们在写作的时候可选的往往都是第一字典词汇。文章就会显得比较僵硬。

原文的10、11、12在阐述图书馆的问题。我觉得和上一段一样，举例过宽过广，不易使人产生共鸣。比如说学生找不到他们要的书，国外进口的书过期，世界日益变化，这个的确能支撑论点，但是过于广，过于广的后果就是没有细节。而ETS最注重的就是细节。所以改后，文章讲参考书过期（学生要的），小说质量不好，没有近十年的外国作品。非常的具体形象，说服力很强。同时增加了11句，描述视听专辑，也应该有所提升，这样使得内容比较完整。

同时在对于信息设备的建设中，原文体现了一个细节，就是找东西可以在几秒钟找到。但是建立信息搜索平台的理由，只有这一个显得有些苍白无力。因此在更改中，加入了其他理由，比如可以预约其他图书馆的书目，读者可以上网，老人可以了解新科技，等等，这样内容就丰富完善起来。同时，原文在表达这个平台少的时候，用了数字细节，所以整体看上去真实可信，说服力强。具体的例子才能给人具体的印象，才更具有说服力。

改后的 13-16句同样可以运用到有关计算机技术的题目中，很好的素材。而且这四个句子的句式都不相同。非常值得学习。

第13句：

普通：It is an obvious truth that information technology such as searching program would help a reader to find a book within just a few seconds。

优秀：While the written card system has its advantages, an online catalogue saves a patron many minutes of searching.

评论：很明显，后句由于准确用词而显得语言使用专业了很多。Online catalogue比information technology such as searching program要简洁也能体现对英语的了解。平时要注意积累各种日常可能用的词的说法。

原文中第11句：

注意图书馆引进书最好用introduce而不是用import，应该注意词的使用语境，不要

仅凭中文来用词。

原文中第12句

Apply通常与to相连，而不是into，记词组的时候要准确。尽量不要出现这种错误。

（18）A subtler problem of quality, but perhaps just as serious, is the physical appearance of the libraries. （19） No one wants to go into a building that looks as dingy and run-down as my town’s libraries do. （20） Even a modest amount of restoration would make these great buildings more inviting to children, who are often the first people to judge by appearances and the last to pick up a book outside of school.

增加这一段，是针对第一段提出来的现有图书馆的shape的问题，本段在阐述图书馆外形的重要性。这点需要我们注意的就是，开篇提出来什么，在后面的段落中就要解决什么问题。

三个句子也非常值得学习，三个句子，一个陈述，一个否定，一个递进，干净利落的表达了观点。句子丰富性非常值得学习。

（21）My hometown is aching for a better library system. （22） I believe that the library is a crucial element in a healthy community, and that it must be there to supplement the schools. （23） The younger generations are receiving an incomplete education as things stand now. （24） They need access to the rich knowledge that their parents and grandparents had, not to mention the new information that is appearing every day. （25） If we could steer more funds toward essential library upkeep, staffing, information technology, and new acquisitions, then we might truly broaden the horizons of our citizens.

In conclusion, it would be appreciable if my hometown had a good system of libraries.(15) I am quite convinced that these libraries would certainly help the young generations to widen their knowledge and make progress in their studies.

结尾段详细阐述了建立图书馆的必要性和优点，在文章的基础上递进。使得结尾饱满。就好比托福阅读，结尾的时候它不会单单的说所以这个好或者这个不好，它会很认真的总结前文说的优缺点，然后给出自己的意见。我们写作的时候也应该注意这个，把结尾说饱满。

全文感觉：

刚开始分析这个，有很多分析不到位的，由于基础不好，而且刚刚开始作文的复习和认知，所以能感觉到最深的就是它表面反映出来的问题。

这次的心得在于：

细节的体现，和前一篇文章一起看，可以看出专家的修改对于作者的整体思路是没有大的修改的，但是在作者的内容中增加了很多细节，所以文章读起来特别丰富。不能夸夸奇谈，把论点点到为止，举例应该尽量客观同时越贴近自己周围的生活越好。

内容的完整，论文的结构，论点，论据，论证，要一一对应，提到什么，就要对什么进行阐述。

句式的变化，这个我说不好。只是觉得它用了很多方法。我计划在3天之内完成对句子语法的学习，希望那个时候能更多的学习句子上的问题。

这真是一个学习过程~~说实话~~对我来说~~看原文已经膜拜了~~~~看修改的……我在五体投地~~~~

专家修改（6分）:

（1）If I had the chance to change one thing about my hometown, I would improve its system of libraries. （2）There is a serious shortage of libraries where I live, and most of the existing ones are in extremely bad shape and poorly equipped. （3）The town is attractive enough, and the economy and education are in good shape – but these last two might not be so good for long if our libraries deteriorate.

（4）The low ratio of books to people is the most serious problem. （5） We are far behind cities of comparable size in this respect. （6）Access to books is very hard for those who do not have cars, and it is difficult for everyone to obtain the books that are in greatest demand. （7） Furthermore, the process for obtaining a library card is cumbersome, and, absurdly, it excludes a great deal of students.
（8）If anyone needs to be able to check out books reliably for schooling and research, it is a student.

（9）Another problem is the low quality of these libraries. （10） The range of materials offered is narrow; reference books are out of date, the fiction collection is unimpressive, and the libraries have not acquired new foreign works for about a decade. （11） The audiovisual collections, while not essential, could also do with some improvement. （12）Only two of our six libraries have connected to the Internet and applied new information technology to the management of their volumes. （13） While the written card system has its advantages, an online catalogue saves a patron many minutes of searching. （14） It also can provide for the ordering of books from other library districts. （15） Patrons who are not connected to the Internet at home should have free access to the World Wide Web for research.
（16）The older generations, especially, are going to be lost if they do not know how most people are acquiring new knowledge today. （17） I would say that our town is in a state of information crisis.

（18）A subtler problem of quality, but perhaps just as serious, is the physical appearance of the libraries. （19） No one wants to go into a building that looks as dingy and run-down as my town’s libraries do. （20） Even a modest amount of restoration would make these great buildings more inviting to children, who are often the first people to judge by appearances and the last to pick up a book outside of school.

（21）My hometown is aching for a better library system. （22） I believe that the library is a crucial element in a healthy community, and that it must be there to supplement the schools. （23） The younger generations are receiving an incomplete education as things stand now. （24） They need access to the rich knowledge that their parents and grandparents had, not to mention the new information that is appearing every day. （25） If we could steer more funds toward essential library upkeep, staffing, information technology, and new acquisitions, then we might truly broaden the horizons of our citizens.

这个真是强大！！~~~~就是11号的 没发上来
加油这样坚持一定满分！

嗯，其实我觉得你点评的也很有水平嘛，加油，希望继续看到你的帖。
潜心作文其实也很耗时间的，你觉得呢？反复品味，揣摩，每看一遍就有一遍的收获，今天来来回回就看你的这2篇了，呵呵

落落很强的说

谢谢小V灵儿和达达~~
我一个一个说·~~嘎嘎
to: 小V~~我昨天出去玩了·~~米学习~~~~你可以鄙视我·~~呜呜呜
to：灵儿, 谢谢你对我的评价，说实话，对作文我刚刚弄，也不是很有自信的说，但是我觉得多看多积累一定有好处。我非常期待你的看法呢，大家都交流，学习氛围形成了，对彼此都是一个推动和鼓励，对吧~~~加油！
to：达达~~~我每天看这个我都在心里膜拜~~~~我现在的水平差原文都很远·~~~~~呜呜呜
to：eagle版主~~~谢谢~~~

希望大家能在这个学习过程中多交流~~~我一个人的想法可能会有局限性的，而且可能有疏漏.
谢谢~~~~

最近还是分析不到句子上去…………唉唉~~我加油吧·~~~~~~~

8月12日

【3】TOPIC #006:

How do movies and television influence people's behavior? Use specific details to support your answer.

原文（4.5分左右）:

(1)Movies and Television have significant influence on people's behavior. (2)People want to look up to their role models and superstars. (3)Over the years, movies and television have changed the way people dress, act, react, and in the way they speak. (4) In the lines below, reasons and specific details are inhibited to support my answer.

（1） Movies and television have a significant influence on people’s behavior.
（2） We see all kinds of characters emerge on the screen – clever detectives aggressively pushing people to give them clues, gorgeous models gyrating around to sensual music, cruel villains making the innocent suffer, and countless others.
（3） Someone, somewhere, is always ready to imitate these characters and those who play them. （4） Indeed, some actors are hard to distinguish from the people they play.

笔记：

第1句：注意：a influence on。这句没有做很大的修改，作者开篇点题。

第2、3、4句：这个有比较大的修改。原文讲的，我觉得比较空，因为他说人们尊重他们喜欢的演员和明星，电视和电影在人们的衣着、行为反应和说话方式方面都有很大的影响。这个帽子是很大的，我觉得不能说错，但是给人的印象不深。

看修改的部分，这个需要我们体会的，我觉得这个开篇开的很好的，直接用形象的例子来描述我们能看到的characters，比如侦探，模特，歹徒。然后点出这些丰富的角色和其扮演者，有很多人在不同的地方都在模仿（直接infer出影响力）有时候角色和真人已经分不开了。同样四句话，由于生动的例子的加入我们就觉得这个影响力就在周围，很容易接受。

这一段的作用，我觉得是点题，同时为了后续的陈述铺垫好一层背景，让读者置身到作者设置的这个环境中，从而更容易理解作者将要出示的论点。

（5）Movies and television have influenced people's way of dressing. （6）Role models like fashion models, singers, or actors are examples for people's way of dressing or even hairstyle. （7）For example, many teenagers would dress in jeans like the one's Britney Spears had, or they would buy a product just because a superstar wear it. （8）Furthermore, if we look to a big example like Marilin Monroe, we find many women dying their hair in blond just because Marilin Monroe was blond and successful.

（5）The most obvious example of the movie and TV’s influence is people’s desire to dress like their idols. （6） As early as the 1950’s, women were dyeing their hair to be blonde like that of the legendary starlet, Marilyn Monroe. （7） Today, young girls want to wear whatever pop star Britney Spears is wearing – be it a pair of fashionably scuffed-up jeans or an alluring navel ring. （8） Men play this game too, donning outrageous outfits like those of their favorite rock bands.

笔记：

同样也是四句话。但是，改后的第5句直接概括了原文的5、6句，更加精炼。然后改后的时间顺序是前进的，这样逻辑思维比较清楚。同样，讲布兰妮的时候，用scuffed-up（应该是那种比较长的拖地的牛仔裤，然后做旧的那种）来修饰jeans我们一下子就觉得特别贴切，马上就能想得到的一种流行方式；同时对于原文的product，改后用了脐环来表达。同时增加了一句有关men的模仿形式。比如outrageous outfits。这样覆盖面比较广（时代性，男女），非常客观。

这里我觉得学习的东西在于：简和繁的把握。我们常常在该精炼的地方拖沓，在该细致的地方不深入，这样就不容易打动人。比如，在段落的开头，往往会阐述论点，这个段落中心句的标准应该是精简干练，能用一个词表达就一个词表达，比如idols, 完全涵盖了 fashion model, singer, and actors，非常精干。还有就是原文的第6句，even hairstyle，这个部分，应该来说是我们比较熟悉的结构，说实话，我之前就常常在句子后面来一个even……之类，还以为自己就做到了细节。现在看了改后的6分作文，才明白，细节不是靠词语的雕琢虚出来的，真正的细节，是具体的，贴近生活的真实的感觉和例子，即使编，也要编的真实。

繁，就是深入，把该表达的表达清楚。这个细节是需要挖掘的，不是蜻蜓点水的。不是例举出来人名就是细节。你看改后的6分作文，1950年代的玛丽莲梦露的金发碧眼；现在布兰妮的做旧风格裤子，和脐环；男孩模范摇滚明星的一些造型。非常的具体。这个就是深下来的东西。

原文第7句

这一句的主要问题在于时态。要注意would的用法。Would与would like to 并不是同一个意思也不可以通用。在这个句子的would都是would like to 的意思，要么改成后者要么就干脆删掉。另外，had的用法也不对，改成wears或是worn比较正确。

（9）As to the question how television and movies influence people's way of acting and reacting, lots of examples could be provided. (10)People tend to follow the life style they see on the scene. (11)We can refer to the "Flower Power", the Hippies in the 70's.(12) In the 70's, people have a certain way of and acting due to special acting style on televisions and movies. (13)They would listen to the same music, watch the same subjects and live in the same way. (14)For another instance, romantic movies make us to think more about love so we behave differently, other movies teach us important lessons about life, and then, we intend to be better persons.

(15)Television and movies have a big impact in the way we speak. (16)People take ideas from what their role models say and then imitate them. (17)For example, many youngsters in China have the same accent as Steven Chow has on the scene, a famous comedy actor in Hong Kong. (18)Human beings want to be interesting and famous, so talking like somebody famous could make them enjoy themselves. (19)In all our lives we tend to reach our goals, we want to be someone famous. (20)By looking up to someone famous and borrow some of his/her behavior, some people reach the goals that they have never achieved.

（9）Yet the influence runs deeper, changing accents and patterns of speech.
（10）Many youngsters in China imitate the distinctive Hong Kong accent of comedian Steven Chow. （11） Youth virtually everywhere in the United States are sounding more and more like Californians because so many television shows and films come out of Hollywood. （12） And consumers of media don’t just want to have fashionable accents; they want to carry on whole conversations in the sophisticated, glamorous rhythms of the people they see on the screen. （13） What man has never felt the urge to crush an annoying foe, and, as he does it, to toss off a clever insult like one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters might?

（14）The truth is that movies and television affect their viewers at the deepest level – at the level of worldview, values, and consequent behavior. （15） For instance, numerous sports movies convey the idea that one must set goals and work hard to achieve them. （16） Media can inspire in this way. （17） On the other hand, there are countless so