【5】TOPIC #009:
Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific examples to support your answer.
原文（4.5分左右）:
（1）If I were asked to choose to live either in a small town or in a big city, I would absolutely make a choice of living in the small town other than in a big city. （2）My reasons will be detailed as follows.
（1）If I were asked to choose whether to live either in a small town or in a big city, I would not hesitate to choose the small town. （2） I grew up in a delightful one myself. （3） Below I describe some of the striking contrasts I have found.
第一段中，主要增加了第2句，我生长在一个美妙的小镇。
这个是在作文和口语中都要注意的一点，就是越真实，越可信。真实的东西，一定是和自身利害相关的。
改后的第3句：我觉得是一个大家可以收藏的句子，这个句子表达的意思使我们在几乎所有的托福作文中都能遇到的，但是表达的方式非常新颖。
Below I describe some of the striking contrasts I have found.
原文第1句
这里可以看出行文的啰嗦。当前文已经有过choose了，下文的choice前最好用the而非用a。要注意代词的用法。而且只有两个选择，作出一个就等于放弃了另一个，没有必要重复。还有就是absolutely的用法，这是中国学生常见的误区。Absolutely这个词带给人的感觉是毫无退路，要慎用，建议查一下词典，看看典型的用法。而改后的make not hesitate to 则不仅表达了选择的速度也表明了选择的态度，是比较好的用法。而且用一个动词词组也比较富于变化。
（3）Firstly, there is much less pollution in a small town than in a big city.
（4）Breathing fresh air contributes to good health.（5）If we spend our daily life from waking up in the morning to sleeping at night in a big city, the chance that pollution damages our health would be greater. （6）Pollution from exhausted gas, noises and wasted water could do harm to our respiratory system and other body operations.（7）On the other hand, you will normally notice that people in a small town are not as sick as city dwellers. （8）Like most people, I hope to have a good health in order to live for a long time with my beloved family and friends.
（4）First of all, I put a premium on my health. （5） There is much more pollution in a city than in a small town. （6） I, for one, want to breathe clean air and drink clean water. （7）A person who spends most of his daily life in the city – where all of the human-made impurities are the most concentrated – will simply not be as healthy as he would have been in a small town, with the same habits. （8） Like most people, I hope to live a long, healthy life that I can spend with my beloved family and friends.
（9）The city also does not seem to be good for my emotions. （10） While towns are peaceful, friendly, and quiet, the city creates all kinds of physical and emotional stresses with its constant turmoil. （11） Every day there is loud traffic and construction, with rude people adding to the noise. （12） But, worse, still crime is rampant in the city. （13） I have often felt that I cannot trust any of the countless strangers I see when I am there. （14） In the town where I grew up, everyone knew one another, and no one felt a need even to lock his or her door. （15） In the city, one locks everything – car, house, and bicycle – because not to do so would be foolish. （16） I find the anonymity, the breakneck pace, and the constant fear too much to bear.
笔记：
Put a premium on 奖励，鼓励，重视，助长
改后的第4句，还是注意贴身利益。
有一个很有意思的修改，原文的第3句和改后的第5句。我们可以感受一下哪个的效果更强，镇子的污染没城市严重；城市污染比镇子严重；说成中文以后，我们也会觉得改后的表达的意思要强烈吧。这个，也是在学习中，我们需要提高意识的地方。
原文的第5句，我觉得啰嗦。大部分人在正常情况下都是晚上睡早上起，而且这个和污染没有直接关系。然后第6句，讲空气，噪音，水污染我们的环境，但是这个影响程度怎么样，是可以展开的做生动描写的。
看改后的论述，我愿意呼吸新鲜空气和饮用新鲜的水，而在城市中，由于很多人为的污染源都非常集中，所以生存环境不如小镇。所以为了健康我要生活。
对比之后，我们不难发现，原文的论点是城市污染重，但是这个话题就太大了，作者提出来空气噪音和水，但是每个打开都能说很多，如果不打开，不能让人心服口服。
而改后的论点是为了健康，并且从身体健康和心理健康两个方面共同阐述，非常客观。这个论点很贴切，其实我们最后表达的东西是很相似的，但是因为把论点定小了，论述起来会相对容易一点，而且容易深入
另一段讲的是环境问题中对健康问题的引申------心理因素。
讲了镇子的宁静，安全和友好，对比城市制造的心理压力和混乱。这一段首先讲到车辆和繁忙的人群带来的噪音；犯罪现象的时有发生，所以我不敢相信陌生人，而在镇子里，人们相互认识，彼此信任（这里的深入是说甚至不用锁门）
这一段我很欣赏的句子是In the city, one locks everything – car, house, and bicycle – because not to do so would be foolish. I find the anonymity, the breakneck pace, and the constant fear too much to bear.
很形象的表达出了城市和镇子之间的对比。
联合来看，这段和上一段共同表达出城市的污染
我认为这一段中非常值得学习的是例子，很贴切。宁静对应噪音，安全对应犯罪现象，友好对应彼此的信任。上下呼应，结构非常紧凑。
（9）Secondly, the cost of living in a small town is obviously lower than in a big city.（10）I do not want to use all of my salary just to pay my expenses--I want to save money, too.(11) I would like to save my money for several purposes such as my child’s education and my family’s leisure activities.(12) If I live in a big city, I think that I can not build my savings because I have to pay more to purchase the same thing that I can buy cheaper when I live in a small town. (13)For example, if I rent a house, the house in a small town would certainly be cheaper. (14)If I would like to have dinner out, again, the restaurant in a small town will certainly be cheaper.
（17）There is also the practical matter of expenses. （18） Simply put, I want to save money. （19） I can do that very well by living in my hometown. （20） As a writer who is paid by the book, my location does not affect my salary. （21） Many of the expenses of the city seem unnecessarily wasteful to me anyway. （22） I often catch myself buying things that I don’t need in the city just because they are there.
（23）I know that I dine out too often when I am in New York and Chicago. （24）：
段落的第一句的点题，我们对比的看一下，改后的文章非常直观，一针见血。这点我觉得我们一定要注意，文章主题句，段落中心句，一定要简洁概括，一针见血，刚开始可能不容易，但是我觉得经过一段时间的训练，我们应该能够做到这一点。
同样讲省钱，原文提到了省钱的目的，这个似乎和文章本身没有关系，所以可以删掉。同时，表达在大城市费钱，改后作者用在大城市购物欲望高，和经常出去吃饭来表达；原文的例子是房租和饭费。这个，我个人觉得原文的例子也可以，不过如果能在租金和饭费上稍微深入一点会更好。
（15）Thirdly, small town provides better environment and scenery. （16）The view in a big city is always covered by the forest of what we call ‘concrete forests’. （17）However, when we come to a small town, we could always be astonished by the beautiful scenery.（18） We can also have great natural environment. （19）All these can bring me real happiness and peace in heart.
（25）Finally, small towns are much more beautiful than urban centers. （26）The view in a big city is always covered by what we call ‘concrete forests’—mountainous skyscrapers. （27） I would gladly trade these for a view of real mountains, not to mention dense, lush forests close to my house that I can visit any time I want. （28） Wildlife is also more plentiful and varied in a small town. As pretty as some city parks are, there is just no comparison between the two environments.
not to mention
更不用说
The view in a big city is always covered by what we call ‘concrete forests’—mountainous skyscrapers.这一句的修改在于加了mountainous skyscrapers作解释。
用钢筋森林对比自然环境的美好，改后用山，森林来指代原文的beautiful scenery，具体化。表达自然环境的优越。
As pretty as some city parks are, there is just no comparison between the two environments.
这一句也非常值得我们学习，非常可观，点出了城市虽然有公园，但是和自然环境是没法比得。这样，论证就非常完整了。
综合看整体论述部分，原文是我们常用的firstly, secondly, thirdly,单一枯燥，而改后的结构采用first of all, 第二部分直接开篇点主题句，结尾用finally，这个结构，我们也可以用来学习。
改后27句
这一句有些词用的很好，如trade, not to mention, lust等，不仅准确而且使整个文章的用词富于变化。再一次提醒，不要老是用have, get, go 等词。
原文17句
这句话的关键词是astonish，但这个词用在这里并不合适。因为一般人们对小镇的美景都会有一定的了解，用impressed可能会更好。在选词的时候要在时间允许的情况下更精确和符合逻辑。
（20）In conclusion, for the reason that I cannot tolerate pollution, that I want to save my money, and that I like better environment and scenery, living in a small town is my preference rather than living in a big city..
29）I have stressed the negative aspects of the city, but I look at it this way:
while the cities contain all of the world-class restaurants, art museums, drama, etc., there is really no need to be there for these attractions every day. In fact, when I go to the city on business, and make it a treat, I feel I get just the right dose of high-quality entertainment and culture. （30）
The choice is obvious for me:
if I want a peaceful, quiet, clean place to live, where I trust everyone around me and my finances are relatively secure, a small town is the place to be.
结尾部分：原文好的一点就是涵盖了之前自己的观点。改后的文字，采用的驳斥型，说大城市的优点，比如拥有世界级的饭店，艺术博物馆，戏剧院（如果有人想写大城市好的，这个是积累）但是我认为这些不是每天必须的，然后强调自己的观点，完成全文。
我们还是可以感觉到逻辑思维的缜密。这个是在学习托福写作初期，一定要注意的一点。
改后29
这里加入了对城市的正面评价，使得观点不那么偏执，也使文章更为丰满。当然这要在篇幅允许的情况下使用。
专家修改（6分）:
（1）If I were asked to choose whether to live either in a small town or in a big city, I would not hesitate to choose the small town. （2） I grew up in a delightful one myself. （3） Below I describe some of the striking contrasts I have found.
（4）First of all, I put a premium on my health. （5） There is much more pollution in a city than in a small town. （6） I, for one, want to breathe clean air and drink clean water. （7）A person who spends most of his daily life in the city – where all of the human-made impurities are the most concentrated – will simply not be as healthy as he would have been in a small town, with the same habits. （8） Like most people, I hope to live a long, healthy life that I can spend with my beloved family and friends.
（9）The city also does not seem to be good for my emotions. （10） While towns are peaceful, friendly, and quiet, the city creates all kinds of physical and emotional stresses with its constant turmoil. （11） Every day there is loud traffic and construction, with rude people adding to the noise. （12） But, worse, still crime is rampant in the city. （13） I have often felt that I cannot trust any of the countless strangers I see when I am there. （14） In the town where I grew up, everyone knew one another, and no one felt a need even to lock his or her door. （15） In the city, one locks everything – car, house, and bicycle – because not to do so would be foolish. （16） I find the anonymity, the breakneck pace, and the constant fear too much to bear.
（17）There is also the practical matter of expenses. （18） Simply put, I want to save money. （19） I can do that very well by living in my hometown. （20） As a writer who is paid by the book, my location does not affect my salary. （21） Many of the expenses of the city seem unnecessarily wasteful to me anyway. （22） I often catch myself buying things that I don’t need in the city just because they are there.
（23）I know that I dine out too often when I am in New York and Chicago. （24）：
（25）Finally, small towns are much more beautiful than urban centers. （26）The view in a big city is always covered by what we call ‘concrete forests’—mountainous skyscrapers. （27） I would gladly trade these for a view of real mountains, not to mention dense, lush forests close to my house that I can visit any time I want. （28） Wildlife is also more plentiful and varied in a small town. As pretty as some city parks are, there is just no comparison between the two environments.
（29）I have stressed the negative aspects of the city, but I look at it this way:
while the cities contain all of the world-class restaurants, art museums, drama, etc., there is really no need to be there for these attractions every day. In fact, when I go to the city on business, and make it a treat, I feel I get just the right dose of high-quality entertainment and culture. （30）
The choice is obvious for me:
if I want a peaceful, quiet, clean place to live, where I trust everyone around me and my finances are relatively secure, a small town is the place to be.
