【6】TOPIC #010:
“When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success.” Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.
原文(4.5分左右):
Many people attribute others’ success to luck. However, I agree with the quotation that success comes only through hard work and not through luck. I ascribe my decision to the reasons elucidated as follows.
Each of us has our own goals and ambitions in life for which we continually strive. When we reach the determined goal, we call it success. Thus, success is the end product of long-term effort. Consider the case of a student pursuing a high score in the final exams. The student would have to work hard right from the beginning of the year. He/she needs to get acquainted with the subjects, topics and the logic. Only through hard work can he/she excel in the subject and eventually get a high score. Should the student fail to concentrate on studies at first and then try to cram towards the end, the result may not be favorable. Burning the midnight oil could never equal planned work.
Similarly, we can take the case of an athlete preparing for an upcoming event. The athlete can never depend on luck to win the event for him/her. He/she has to put in a lot of hard work to attain the stamina and the energy sufficient for the event. If it were true that success comes out of luck, all the athlete needs to do is to go straightaway to the field and voila success would be his/hers. But, that is not what occurs in reality. Only sheer hard work and planned efforts can bring ultimate success.
It is the common criterion for everything in life that success comes through hard work. Very true is the saying that hard work never goes unrewarded. Thus success is sweet and lasting to those who really strive for it. But, only momentary satisfaction is ascribed to those who rig it out.
Hence, we can clearly say that success comes purely out of hard work and luck becomes a mere coincidence. Also, there is no substitute for hard work and without it success becomes a part of fantasy. We can conclude this reasoning with the claim that hard work alone can bring success and nothing else can equal it.
(1)Many people attribute success to luck.(2) However, I agree with the quotation that success comes only through hard work and absolutely not through luck. (3)It takes non-stop and even painful efforts in order to succeed. Relying on Goddess Luck will get you nowhere at all.
(4)Success is the fruit borne only after long-term efforts. (5)Each of us has our goals and ambitions for which we are continuously striving. (6)Only when the preset once-far-away goals finally jump into our vision and within easy reach can we enjoy the happiness of success. (7)Without one hundred percent hard work, a person can hardly excel in his or her field or attain success. (8)For example, a student who fails to concentrate on studies and at the last moment tries to cram, hoping to get away with it, finds the result more often than not frustratingly unsatisfactory. (9)Only sheer hard work and planned efforts can bring ultimate success.
(10)Luck is definitely unreliable.
(11)Anyone dreaming to realize success through sheer luck is doomed to fail and be fooled by Fate. (12)We can take the case of an athlete preparing for an upcoming event. (13)The athlete can never depend on Goddess Luck to win the event. (14)He/she has to work terribly hard so as to obtain the stamina and energy needed for success. (15)If it were true that success comes out of luck, all the athlete needs to do is to pray to Goddess Luck and then go straight to the field and then success would be his/hers. (16)But, that is not what occurs in reality. Ironically, the opposite usually happens.
(17)It is the common criterion for everything in life that success comes only through hard work. (18)Very true is the saying that hard work never goes unrewarded. (19)Thus success is sweet and lasting to those who have really strived for it. (20)But, only momentary satisfaction is felt if the success is obtained by accident. (21)Hence, we can say for sure that success comes purely out of hard work and luck is a mere coincidence. (22)Also, there is no substitute for hard work and without it success is nothing but fantasy. (23)To conclude, hard work alone can bring success and nothing else can equal it.
笔记:
首先,看原文的文章结构:(划线部分)
开头:提出观点:认为成功源于努力而不是机遇
主体:1、我们持续的努力是为了我们的目标和报负,成功是长期努力的结果
2、只有努力才能得到最后的成功
3、成功源于辛勤工作是公认的准则
结尾:成功主要靠努力工作,运气只是一种巧合。
改后的文章:
开头:提出观点:成功是靠努力不是运气
主体:1、成功是长期努力的结果
2、运气是可遇不可求的
结尾:成功源于努力是公认的准则
对比一下,很明显我们可以看到文章结构和逻辑上的差异。
原文的主体逻辑线不是很清楚:1、2、3的主题句其实表达的都是一个意义。那么,这样的逻辑,怎么会让人觉得心服口服呢?而独立写作的目的是自圆其说,这个说法也要让读者心服口服。所以一定要客观,严谨。
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分段来看
开头:
(1)Many people attribute others’ success to luck. (2)However, I agree with the quotation that success comes only through hard work and not through luck.(3) I ascribe my decision to the reasons elucidated as follows.
(1)Many people attribute success to luck.(2) However, I agree with the quotation that success comes only through hard work and absolutely not through luck. (3)It takes non-stop and even painful efforts in order to succeed. Relying on Goddess Luck will get you nowhere at all.
开头:改后的第二句用了一个absolutely做强调
还记得上一篇的第一句:
If I were asked to choose to live either in a small town or in a big city, I would absolutely make a choice of living in the small town other than in a big city.
这个句子中,absolutely的用法是中国学生常见的误区。Absolutely这个词带给人的感觉是毫无退路,要慎用,建议查一下词典,看看典型的用法。
我觉得这个句子里,避开absolutely的意义不谈,句式如果改为I would make a choice of living in the small town other than in a big city absolutely.可能会好一点,因为absolutely是副词,修饰动词或者整个句子。
Absolutely的用法:
ad. 绝对地,完全地;独立地;确实地;
completely and without qualification; used informally as intensifiers
同义词:perfectly, utterly, dead
totally and definitely; without question
例句与用法:
I'm absolutely starving.
我饿极了。
I trust his discretion absolutely.
我完全相信他的判断。
第3句是这个部分中修改比较大的地方:It takes non-stop and even painful efforts in order to succeed. Relying on Goddess Luck will get you nowhere at all.
这个是对第二句的一个形象化的解释,第2句和第3句一起,强势化了作者的表达意图。
在这里,我们也可以看到,不一定每次第三句话都要表达:我将会在下述文章中阐述我的理论等等能类似的表达。开头强有力,直接引到主体部分也是可以的。
主体部分:
(4)Each of us has our own goals and ambitions in life for which we continually strive. (5)When we reach the determined goal, we call it success.(6)Thus, success is the end product of long-term effort.
(7)Consider the case of a student pursuing a high score in the final exams. (8)The student would have to work hard right from the beginning of the year. He/she needs to get acquainted with the subjects, topics and the logic. (9)Only through hard work can he/she excel in the subject and eventually get a high score. (10)Should the student fail to concentrate on studies at first and then try to cram towards the end, the result may not be favorable.(11) Burning the midnight oil could never equal planned work.
(4)Success is the fruit borne only after long-term efforts. (5)Each of us has our goals and ambitions for which we are continuously striving. (6)Only when the preset once-far-away goals finally jump into our vision and within easy reach can we enjoy the happiness of success. (7)Without one hundred percent hard work, a person can hardly excel in his or her field or attain success. (8)For example, a student who fails to concentrate on studies and at the last moment tries to cram, hoping to get away with it, finds the result more often than not frustratingly unsatisfactory. (9)Only sheer hard work and planned efforts can bring ultimate success.
原文的观点在第六句才提出来。论点的提出方式,也是一个值得我们思考的问题。虽说论点不一定非要在第一句提出来,但是我觉得考虑到美国人的直线型思维,以及我们中国学生很少有人能做到美式思维,所以我想在把握中,还是在开头引出来比较好。
主题句:end product和fruit,end product主要表达的是最终成品,产品终端什么的,用在这里不是特别恰当准确,努力的成果,还是用fruit要好一点。
Success is the fruit borne only after long-term efforts.
什么是什么长期坚持的结果
这个我觉得也可以作为一种句式的积累。
我建议大家多读改后的6、7、8、9句
第6句用的是一个倒装:Only when the preset once-far-away goals finally jump into our vision and within easy reach can we enjoy the happiness of success.
第7句:不经过百分之百的努力,一个人很难超越他的领域取得成功
第8句:concentrate on专心于
at the last moment tries to cram
类似于我们说的临时抱佛脚
第7句
和第8句都是我们熟悉的表达,在中文写作中也常常使用,所以,这个地道的美式表达,可以作为一个很好的句式和内容上的积累。
第9句:只有勤劳和有计划的努力,才能带来最后的成功
(12)Similarly, we can take the case of an athlete preparing for an upcoming event. (13)The athlete can never depend on luck to win the event for him/her. He/she has to put in a lot of hard work to attain the stamina and the energy sufficient for the event. (14)If it were true that success comes out of luck, all the athlete needs to do is to go straightaway to the field and voila success would be his/hers. (15)But, that is not what occurs in reality. (16)Only sheer hard work and planned efforts can bring ultimate success.
(10)Luck is definitely unreliable.
(11)Anyone dreaming to realize success through sheer luck is doomed to fail and be fooled by fate. (12)We can take the case of an athlete preparing for an upcoming event. (13)The athlete can never depend on Goddess Luck to win the event. (14)He/she has to work terribly hard so as to obtain the stamina and energy needed for success. (15)If it were true that success comes out of luck, all the athlete needs to do is to pray to Goddess Luck and then go straight to the field and then success would be his/hers. (16)But, that is not what occurs in reality. Ironically, the opposite usually happens.
主题句的提出,一个是逻辑问题,一个是内容问题。前文已说过,在此不做详述。
改后的文章的支持论点是,运气是可遇而不可求的,然后下一句来详细说明这个主题,这句话也很值得我们学习的,非常的生动:任何希望靠十足的运气成功的人注定失败并被命运玩弄。很具体的表达出主题句想说明的问题,然后再到具体阐述----运动员的例子:运动员永远不能靠运气来赢得比赛,他们需要靠训练来提高体力和获得能量。第15句带了一点幽默,如果真的靠运气就能成功,那么所有人就只需要祈祷然后直接比赛了,比原文来讲,多了一个祈祷的步骤,加上这个步骤以后,我们会觉得更形象,而且我们会很容易被作者说服。最后点明,现实生活中并不发生,这句没有做修改,最后加了一句,讽刺的讲,与其相反的事情时有发生。
从中间我想到的是:
我们可以更深入的学习这个逻辑思维的深入,讲到第15句,大家就已经Infer差不多了,在结尾再讲一下现实生活中不会发生,但是美国人还会在加一个,相反的事情时有发生,我们看一下,这么表述,是不是完整了许多?驳斥驳到最后,还是会到了努力上。思维非常的严谨,它同时呼应段中心句,同时呼应主题。这就是思维逻辑。
其实就文章意义来讲,这段话在内容的修改并不大,但是增加了一个主题句,就使得文章看起来逻辑清晰并且整体感很强。所以主题句的考虑和位置安排,还是非常重要的。
同时,对这个问题,一方面从努力讲,一方面从运气讲,一正一反,也是显得非常客观的。而且一直从努力这个方面挖掘,并不容易,所以一正一反的安排,还是很合适的。
结尾部分:
(17)It is the common criterion for everything in life that success comes through hard work.(18)Very true is the saying that hard work never goes unrewarded. (19)Thus success is sweet and lasting to those who really strive for it. (20)But, only momentary satisfaction is ascribed to those who rig it out.
(21)Hence, we can clearly say that success comes purely out of hard work and luck becomes a mere coincidence. (22)Also, there is no substitute for hard work and without it success becomes a part of fantasy.(23)We can conclude this reasoning with the claim that hard work alone can bring success and nothing else can equal it.
(17)It is the common criterion for everything in life that success comes only through hard work. (18)Very true is the saying that hard work never goes unrewarded. (19)Thus success is sweet and lasting to those who have really strived for it. (20)But, only momentary satisfaction is felt if the success is obtained by accident. (21)Hence, we can say for sure that success comes purely out of hard work and luck is a mere coincidence. (22)Also, there is no substitute for hard work and without it success is nothing but fantasy. (23)To conclude, hard work alone can bring success and nothing else can equal it.
其实,从整片文章来看,我们可以看出来原文作者句子的功底非常深厚。比如原来作为作者的第三个论点,改后被归为结尾段,但是我们可以感觉到在句子上没有做大的修改,就是第20句,我个人觉得第20句改了以后更好理解一些,它和19句对比不同方式得到成功的不同的幸福感。这两段,基本没有大的改变。
总体感觉,这篇文章的原文作者的语法和句子功底我认为是很好的,在看过的这几篇里,他的改动其实是相对较少的,但是我想他的问题就是存在于思维逻辑的统筹上。对于作文的训练,我个人的感觉是在初期我们应该强化学习而不是习作,我们要先明白什么是正确的好的东西,学会判断,才能继续深入。从大处着手,再开始注重细节部分,一点一点的提高和渗透,我想这是一个相对较好的学习过程。当明白了评判标准,在按照正确的方法习作,相信会得到事半功倍的效果。论点论据和句子,都是文章的亮点所在,我们在学习阶段,就应该尽可能在各个方面都充实自己。(呵呵,忽然间想起来的“废话”),和大家共勉:)