【8】TOPIC #025:
It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.
原文（4.5分左右）:
题目属于：支持反对型。题目重点：shopping center/ neighborhood
（1）Construction of a large shopping center is a form of development. （2）I feel that such a developmental activity should be supported and encouraged because the net effect will be beneficial to the locality and the people who live there. （3）Such a venture has many benefits which include mainly an improvement in the availability of various products in the area and a rise in the property value in that locality.
（4）The most important benefit the people of the locality will derive from such a venture is the improved availability of certain products. （5）A larger variety of goods should be born with the building of a large shopping centre. （6）People would no longer be required to travel long distances to purchase those products. （7）Thus, time and money as well as energy of the consumers are conserved.
（8）Another benefit of such construction is that it initiates a series of developments in that area.（9）Since such a large shopping center attracts equally large number of customers, other business people may be prompted to open their own stores in that locality. （10）Thus, there will be an increase in availability of various kinds of products. （11）Competitive pricing also ensures that more and more commodities are available to the customers at the lowest possible prices.
（12）This development brings about a change in the nature of the neighborhood.（13） A small locality with a relatively few number of inhabitants may be turned into a busy city center, which in turn attracts more and more people to live there. （14）This may be beneficial to those who own land or property in that area, in the form of increased property value and demand.
（15）Despite the fact that there might also be some undesirable side effects due to such a development, which may include increased traffic, noise, pollution and taxes in that locality, the construction of a large shopping center is absolutely desirable and should be welcomed by all.
专家修改（6分）:
(1) A large shopping center is a symbol of development. (2) Such a construction project should be supported and encouraged because its net effect will be beneficial to the further development of the locality as well as the people living here. (3) Among many of the benefits are an improvement in the availability and service of various products and a positive change in the locality.
(4) For people living in the locality, we will enjoy improved availability and better service of all kinds of products. (5) A larger variety of goods should be placed in markets when the construction of the large shopping center is completed. (6) When thousands of customers are attracted to purchase here, other businessmen will be lured to open their own stores in our locality. (7) As a result, we local people will enjoy an increase in the supply of products and better services. (8) We would no longer have to travel a long distance to go shopping, which helps save a great deal of time, and money as well as energy. (9) And competitive pricing will enable us to gain access to more commodities at the lowest possible price.
(10) For the neighborhood, a positive change will occur to it brought by the scenario of development. (11) The small locality with a relatively small number of inhabitants may well be turned into a busy city center, which in turn will attract more and more people to live here. (12) This will bring great benefits and profits to land owners and other properties in the area, in the form of increased property value and demand. (13) Development of industries, including the real estate industry, will be pushed forward.
(14) Despite the fact that there might also be some undesirable side effects arising from such a development, such as heavier traffic, more noise, pollution and taxes in our locality, the construction of a large shopping center is absolutely desirable and should be welcomed by all for it is conducive to the further development of the neighborhood and to the improved quality of life for people living in the locality.
笔记：
开头：
（1）Construction of a large shopping center is a form of development. （2）I feel that such a developmental activity should be supported and encouraged because the net effect will be beneficial to the locality and the people who live there. （3）Such a venture has many benefits which include mainly an improvement in the availability of various products in the area and a rise in the property value in that locality.
(1) A large shopping center is a symbol of development. (2) Such a construction project should be supported and encouraged because its net effect will be beneficial to the further development of the locality as well as the people living here. (3) Among many of the benefits are an improvement in the availability and service of various products and a positive change in the locality.
第1句的修改做了一个简化：construction of是多余的部分，关于这个，我想起来杜昶旭讲过的说当我们不会使用单词的时候，通过各种方法获取其翻译的时候，经常喜欢使用最难的那个词，但是并不怎么考虑词性，并盲目的以为这就是高级用法。这个和这个句子没有最本质直接的联系，但是我觉得也有一个我们通常会犯的毛病就是画蛇添足。我觉得英语的学习要靠积累，我们还没有用到和母语一样熟的地方，所以要尽量避免凭空创造，而是注意准确的积累。
第2句做了几个细节上的修改：去掉I feel that，
这个在之前也提到过，I think, I feel that这种习惯性的表达，在学术文章中要尽量的减少；这个句子中我觉得非常好的是further development的增加，由于这个词的增加，我们明显觉得建造shopping center的意义具体一点，带来了一点时间感，给人一种延续的思维状态；把定语从句改为后置定语，我想是在做句子的简化，很多时候，我觉得中国人写的句子比外国人写的都要复杂，我们有时候以为精于雕琢复杂的句子才是好句子，但是我觉得句子的本质意义是要让人看懂的，而且我们的水平没到，不适宜做过多的刻意求巧，真正展现我们实力的句子，是那种简洁干净漂亮的表达，当然，这个是题外话。中间有个and和as well as的替换，我不确定，也许只是一般意义上的替换吧。
第3句：承启下文。venture这个词我觉得用的很怪，建商城是有风险的，但不是一个冒险活动，提出的观点要与下文一一对应。改后的用positive change替换了a rise in the property value。这个我觉得是这篇文章通篇存在的问题，就是作者在卖弄他的词汇，或者说他的基本功不扎实，找不到准确的词表达的意思。我觉得这个也是我们习作中一定一定要特别注意的，不要故意弄花招，非常容易弄巧成拙。而且使我们的句子表达的很不清楚，因为英式思维还没有到家啊。
（4）The most important benefit the people of the locality will derive from such a venture is the improved availability of certain products. （5）A larger variety of goods should be born with the building of a large shopping centre. （6）People would no longer be required to travel long distances to purchase those products. （7）Thus, time and money as well as energy of the consumers are conserved.
（8）Another benefit of such construction is that it initiates a series of developments in that area.（9）Since such a large shopping center attracts equally large number of customers, other business people may be prompted to open their own stores in that locality. （10）Thus, there will be an increase in availability of various kinds of products. （11）Competitive pricing also ensures that more and more commodities are available to the customers at the lowest possible prices.
(4) For people living in the locality, we will enjoy improved availability and better service of all kinds of products. (5) A larger variety of goods should be placed in markets when the construction of the large shopping center is completed. (6) When thousands of customers are attracted to purchase here, other businessmen will be lured to open their own stores in our locality. (7) As a result, we local people will enjoy an increase in the supply of products and better services. (8) We would no longer have to travel a long distance to go shopping, which helps save a great deal of time, and money as well as energy. (9) And competitive pricing will enable us to gain access to more commodities at the lowest possible price.
这一段综合了原文两段的文字。
总体来讲，我觉得改后的文字比原文更清楚易懂。这篇文章，在我看来，就是前面提到的，我觉得作者在卖弄文采，但是由于基本功不扎实，很多的卖弄是在画蛇添足，我个人不大喜欢这篇文章的原文，不过我会尽量保持客观。
先从逻辑思维上考虑综合的原因：
首先原文这两段的主题句是：1、人们会从这个建设中受益；2、可以带动周边的发展。这个主题句的确定，我个人认为是没有问题的，我们先看第一段的展开：作者谈到了距离和时间给顾客带来的的方便；然后我们再看第二段的论述，作者在深入解释发展讲说这个商业中心的建立会吸引很多商家和顾客，这个也没有问题，但是我们看作者的最后落脚点在Competitive pricing also ensures that more and more commodities are available to the customers at the lowest possible prices.落脚点还在顾客，顾客可以享受更便宜的价格，那么从逻辑上来讲，我个人觉得这个的意义和第一段是没有区别的，也就是说，这两段共同论述了建造商业中心可以给顾客带来方便。那么他们不适合互相并列成为论点，而应该是互相支持来论述一个分论点。插一句个人意见，如果第二个论点继续阐述比如停车场，饭店的建立，等等这些经济效益可以带来周边经济的发展，我想就可以形成并列了。
好了，现在看句子的修改。
第4句，这是这段的主题句，原文有很重的中文逻辑，这个问题我也有，可能很多人都有，我们在想句子的时候，一般是顺序的，而且在初期阶段。看这个句子：
The most important benefit the people of the locality will derive from such a
ventureis the improved availability of certain products.
红色部分是主语，绿色部分是宾语，非常明显的头重脚轻，对不对？句子也需要平衡的美感的，英文也有很多方式避免头重脚轻，比如句子的分离，比如倒装，等等。（这个我会注意找找看资料，有的话会发出来。）
看改后的句子：
For people living in the locality, we will enjoy improved availability and better service of all kinds of products.
For people living in the locality状语，主语we，谓语will enjoy，后面全是宾语部分。
这个句子，个人感觉很平实，没有什么精致的语言点，但是非常的清楚，至少，我理解这个句子比理解上面那个句子要容易，而且我非常清楚的感觉到作者想要表述的观点。我还是觉得，句子在于准确不在于花哨，如果没把握，不要刻意的去编非常难的句子，很容易失手（我有可能误解原文作者，不过在这里就算做个提醒吧）。
原文第5句，这个句子应该都能看懂，但是born with的使用是作者的想当然。这个也是我们经常会犯的错误，我想，这个错误的修正也是在于积累，多读多看地道的英文。不要想当然。
在论述会有很多商品带来方便之后，就是论据的组织，可以看出原文的论据有以下几点：节省时间，钱（应该是交通费），体能；吸引商家和更多顾客所以商品的种类会更加丰富，同时由于竞争价格便宜。
想到这些，我们再考虑怎么组织论据更加合理，前面的句子是说大量商品会随着购物中心的建立而出现，那么后面说什么？还是应该和商品有关会比较顺一点吧？所以后面的论述适合阐述优势在于商品种类丰富，然后再说它可以节约时间金钱什么的，节省钱展开就是我们可以买东西in lower price。那么这样我们就理解了改后的文章所作的逻辑重排。句子方面我不想详述了，我想大家看的也很明白，个人建议就是他有一些句子是非常好的，值得收藏
原文第9句
原文中的Since such a large shopping center attracts equally large number of customers。问题出在equally的用法上。汉语可以说“同样大量的消费者”，但用英语说，那么equally的前后应该是确实可以相等的事物，而购物中心与人是难以相等的。
（12）This development brings about a change in the nature of the neighborhood.（13） A small locality with a relatively few number of inhabitants may be turned into a busy city center, which in turn attracts more and more people to live there. （14）This may be beneficial to those who own land or property in that area, in the form of increased property value and demand.
(10) For the neighborhood, a positive change will occur to it brought by the scenario of development. (11) The small locality with a relatively small number of inhabitants may well be turned into a busy city center, which in turn will attract more and more people to live here. (12) This will bring great benefits and profits to land owners and other properties in the area, in the form of increased property value and demand. (13) Development of industries, including the real estate industry, will be pushed forward.
改后的第10句，和上一段的主题句一样，改后做了一个分割，使得结构清楚，这个方法值得我们学习一下，有一些我们可以把句子写成状语成分，然后提前，从而使句子的逻辑结构清晰。
注意number的修饰是用small，不是few。
加了改后的第13句，是对这个做了一个总结和深入，我觉得这个很好的，因为这一句的加入，整个段子的完整性非常强，有点中文的总分总的。
其实论点和论据就是一个虚实的转化，我们开始提出的论点，会相对范围大一点，虚一点，然后一点点深入，具体化，最后的句子就是非常实际具体的东西，所以这个论证的过程就是把虚的东西转为实的，确凿的，大家都能同意的东西，这就具有了说服力，句子不多说了，还是建议大家做积累。
改后第12句
如果可能的话，多使用动词，它能给文章一种活力。-----------------注意！
（15）Despite the fact that there might also be some undesirable side effects due to such a development, which may include increased traffic, noise, pollution and taxes in that locality, the construction of a large shopping center is absolutely desirable and should be welcomed by all.
(14) Despite the fact that there might also be some undesirable side effects arising from such a development, such as heavier traffic, more noise, pollution and taxes in our locality, the construction of a large shopping center is absolutely desirable and should be welcomed by all for it is conducive to the further development of the neighborhood and to the improved quality of life for people living in the locality.
结尾的话，增加了for引导的目的状语从句。
这个句子还是很重要的，原文的结尾有点“流氓结尾”感觉，就是虽然建立商业中心会带来污染，塞车等不好的现象，但是还是应该建设。这个的说服力显然没有加上建设目的是为了长期发展和改善周边人们生活质量要来的强。所以我们应该注意的尽可能保持各部分的完整。
其他补充
1.
美国人说center，不说centre。
2.
中国人举例比较喜欢用they，这里要注意在英文里最好用I或者we举例。
3.
注意定冠词的用法。如果特指的话，用the是可以的，如果前文没有提到的话，最好不用定冠词。如locality前面，可以明确指出是our locality，然后在下文才用the local people，这样才比较清楚。
