Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.
原文（4.5分左右）:
(1)Some people think that businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. (2)In my opinion, these people are thinking a little bit selfish, because there are other things that a business should do, such as considering the workers and costumers. (3)Beside all these a business should serve the community.
(4)The most important thing to realize is that, a person who is serving the costumers and the community should always be honest. (5)In my opinion honesty is the most important quality a business should have in order to deserve the profit it makes. (6)Earning money by playing trick on consumers or getting more money than it deserves is so bad that I don not think a business which makes profit out of dishonesty can carry on with success. (7)In a business all the workers must consider the other workers, the costumers and the community they live in. (8)Colleagues are also very important, and they should respect each other and should never forget that business is a team-work. (9)If a business is making large profits, it should share it with the people who made that profit possible. (10)If a worker cannot get what he deserves either economically or mentally he may not be able to work effectively in the future.
(11)The other important thing is that some of the profits one’s business earns from the community should be returned to the community. (12)For example if a big company is earning a lot of money, it should never forget that the money comes from community so it should return some of the profit back to community.(13) There are various ways to do it. For example, a company can build a park for the children or a public nursery for the children of the workers, and get the trust of the workers.
(14)What is more, business should attain trust from customers.(15) Credit from all kinds of customs through long periods of trade operation is essential to a company.(16) A small company may grow into a large company after sometime, but if it wants to be long lasting, it should always try to produce high-quality products, and give good service to its costumers. (17)Gaining trust from customers is the first step for business success.
(18)Generally, it can be said that the most important thing for a business is to make a profit, but a business should never do anything to make a large profit.(19) There are more important things such as serving the costumers, workers and community. A business must make profits, but we all - workers, customers, community- must profit from a successful business.
专家修改（6分）:
（1）Some people think that businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. （2）In my opinion, it is a selfish mentality because there are other things and much more that a business should and can do besides making profits, such as considering the rights and benefits of the workers and customers. （3）Besides, a business has the responsibility to serve the community.
（4）The most important thing that businesses need to realize is that only when they give priority to the rights and benefits of the customers will they deserve the profits that have been made. （5）Businessmen earning money by playing tricks on consumers or making profits out of dishonesty can never carry on with success and the businesses are not far away from their destruction. （6）To thrive in the fierce market competition, a company should always try to produce high-quality products and provide good service to its customers. （7）Gaining trust from customers is the first step for business success.
（8）Equally important, the rights and benefits of the workers must be respected. （9）If a business is making a large profit, it should share it with all who have worked hard and conscientiously to make that profit possible. （10）If a worker cannot get what he deserves either economically or mentally he may not be able to work as effectively and enthusiastically as usual. （11）Trust and fidelity from the worker are essential to the very survival of a company.
（12）The other important thing is that some of the profits a business earns from the community should be returned to the community, in other words, part of the profits should be allocated to serve the community. （13）For instance, if a big company is earning big money, it should never forget that the money comes from community and that it should return some of the profit back to the community in one way or the other, for example, to build a park for people living in the community or set up a public nursery for the children of the workers, which will help win the trust of the workers.（14）The reputation and credit of the business will be lifted to a new height, which in return will benefit the business itself.
（15）Generally, it can be said that an ultimate objective for a business is to make profits, but a business should never do anything detrimental to the rights and benefits of the customers, workers and the community to make a large profit. （16）Quite the contrary, businesses should do their part to contribute to the welfare of the groups.
笔记：
先从结构上来说，原文的逻辑不是很清楚。
一起来看：
原文
总论点：认为商人不能惟利是图，因为这是自私的行为，因为作为商人还要考虑工人，顾客和社会。
展开的论述：
分论点：
1)
商人应该忠诚：然后讨论的是对顾客和对工人
2)
商人应该对社会做贡献
3)
商人应该得到顾客的信任。
结论：
商人应该照顾社会，工人和顾客。
改后：
总论点：认为商人不能惟利是图，因为这是自私的行为，因为作为商人还要考虑工人，顾客和社会。
分论点：
1)
商人应该考虑顾客的权益
2)
商人应该考虑工人的权益
3)
商人应该为社会做贡献
结论：
商人应该在谋利之外考虑顾客、工人和社会。
原文的开头其实已经打好后续的基础，但是在论述中却乱了，首先是第一段谈honest，这个论点定的很怪异，然后在这段中说了工人和顾客，在第四段论述中又说了顾客，逻辑相对混乱。
我想，避免这个问题的方法，是最好能够在写作之前列好提纲，这样思路不容易出错而且在写作时也很方便。
分段来看：
开头：
(1)Some people think that businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. (2)In my opinion, these people are thinking a little bit selfish, because there are other things that a business should do, such as considering the workers and costumers. (3)Beside all these a business should serve the community.
（1）Some people think that businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. （2）In my opinion, it is a selfish mentality because there are other things and much more that a business should and can do besides making profits, such as considering the rights and benefits of the workers and customers. （3）Besides, a business has the responsibility to serve the community.
改后的第2句,
我觉得可以关注几个方面。
一个是these people改为 it is，
这个修改，我想可以说是对事不对人，我们讨论的是这个观点，而不是这些人。
另一个，我个人觉得a little bit好像有点口语化
第三个，也是最重要的方面就是完整性。这个表现在两个方面：一个是在business后面加了can do，
和 besides making profits；另一个是在 considering 顾客和工人的rights and benefits。
我们很多时候说话喜欢意犹未尽，留有想象空间，但是西方的表达是直率的，需要把能表达的都表达出来，否则看起来会一头雾水，这个我们也要非常注意。
改后的第三句：注意词语的替换：the responsibility to和should的替换。
改后第2句
except for用在这里是只是赚钱而不做其他的意思，而besides是除了赚钱还要怎么样的意思，一定要注意区别。
主体：
(4)The most important thing to realize is that, a person who is serving the costumers and the community should always be honest. (5)In my opinion honesty is the most important quality a business should have in order to deserve the profit it makes. (6)Earning money by playing trick on consumers or getting more money than it deserves is so bad that I do not think a business which makes profit out of dishonesty can carry on with success. (7)In a business all the workers must consider the other workers, the costumers and the community they live in. (8)Colleagues are also very important, and they should respect each other and should never forget that business is a team-work. (9)If a business is making large profits, it should share it with the people who made that profit possible. (10)If a worker cannot get what he deserves either economically or mentally he may not be able to work effectively in the future.
(14)What is more, business should attain trust from customers.(15) Credit from all kinds of customs through long periods of trade operation is essential to a company.(16) A small company may grow into a large company after sometime, but if it wants to be long lasting, it should always try to produce high-quality products, and give good service to its costumers. (17)Gaining trust from customers is the first step for business success
（4）The most important thing that businesses need to realize is that only when they give priority to the rights and benefits of the customers will they deserve the profits that have been made. （5）Businessmen earning money by playing tricks on consumers or making profits out of dishonesty can never carry on with success and the businesses are not far away from their destruction. （6）To thrive in the fierce market competition, a company should always try to produce high-quality products and provide good service to its customers. （7）Gaining trust from customers is the first step for business success.
（8）Equally important, the rights and benefits of the workers must be respected. （9）If a business is making a large profit, it should share it with all who have worked hard and conscientiously to make that profit possible. （10）If a worker cannot get what he deserves either economically or mentally he may not be able to work as effectively and enthusiastically as usual. （11）Trust and fidelity from the worker are essential to the very survival of a company.
改后的第4句也是非常值得收藏的句子，在很多文章中都可以用到。注意：give priority to这个词组，也是一个高级词汇.
对比原文的第6句和改后的第5句：
(6)Earning money by playing trick on consumers or getting more money than it deserves is so bad that I do not think a business which makes profit out of dishonesty can carry on with success.
（5）Businessmen earning money by playing tricks on consumers or making profits out of dishonesty can never carry on with success and the businesses are not far away from their destruction.
我们可以感觉到原文的啰嗦，同时可以感叹改后的精干巧妙。So bad显得不正式, 和 I do not think 在这里显得不客观。这里面的很多词组我们也可以作为积累： play trick on, carry on, far away from.
然后对比原文的16句和改后的第6句：
(16) A small company may grow into a large company after sometime, but if it wants to be long lasting, it should always try to produce high-quality products, and give good service to its costumers.
（6）To thrive in the fierce market competition, a company should always try to produce high-quality products and provide good service to its customers.
同样，原文显得非常啰唆：
A small company may grow into a large company after sometime, but if it wants to be long lasting, 这个我觉得是中式的思维，看这个句子就轻轻松松的被地道的To thrive in the fierce market competition所替代，而且这个表达更加精致，准确，值得收藏！
sometime，它表达的意思是曾经，有一天，而非一段时间，正确的是some time。要注意区别sometime, sometimes, some time, some times的区别。
改后的第8句，我们在论述两个同等重要的论点时，可以使用Equally important作为连结。
第9句：
改后在people上做了一个限定，使得这个的论述更为中肯，令人信服。
第10句，注意改后将usual替换了future，我觉得我们可以感觉到的就是美国人思维的务实，这个只是我的猜测。
第11句作为总结，肯定工人对于商人成功的重要性，与论点呼应。
原文第4句
这一句的问题在于与全文没有关系，尤其作为全段的开头，也就是作为TS，是绝对不能与文章没有关系的。我们要谈的是企业应该有更重要的事，而不是企业或是企业员工的性质。所列观点一定要紧扣题目，切忌天马行空。
(11)The other important thing is that some of the profits one’s business earns from the community should be returned to the community. (12)For example if a big company is earning a lot of money, it should never forget that the money comes from community so it should return some of the profit back to community.(13) There are various ways to do it. For example, a company can build a park for the children or a public nursery for the children of the workers, and get the trust of the workers.
（12）The other important thing is that some of the profits a business earns from the community should be returned to the community, in other words, part of the profits should be allocated to serve the community. （13）For instance, if a big company is earning big money, it should never forget that the money comes from community and that it should return some of the profit back to the community in one way or the other, for example, to build a park for people living in the community or set up a public nursery for the children of the workers, which will help win the trust of the workers.（14）The reputation and credit of the business will be lifted to a new height, which in return will benefit the business itself.
原文的第11句和第12句，主要的修改在于增加了in other words, 这个插入句的使用也是我们常见但不大用的，要注意in other words后面表达的意思和前面要一致，还要注意避免重复啰嗦。主要是做了一个解释说明。
改后13句，挣大钱:earn big money。我个人觉得it should never forget that the money comes from community and that it should return some of the profit back to the community这个句子有点啰唆，因为第12句已经讲的很清楚了，当然这是我的个人看法。
第14句是一个深入，这个深入做的非常好，因为点明了如果这么做，商人会得到比profit更多的东西。说服力非常强，因为，美国人的思维一切都是以“我”为中心的。
改后11句
这里又有一个中国学生常常乱用的一个词，即one’s。这个词一般出现在指代不明的词组里，在文章里由于总能找到指代物而非常少用。这里可以换成a。应该注意a, the, one的用法和区别。
改后13句
前面一句的问题出在最后一个分句上，用and连接这个分句使得这种表示原因的意思消失了。And一般表示并列，因此用在这个表因果的地方不合适，后一句则表明了这种因果。
结尾
(18)Generally, it can be said that the most important thing for a business is to make a profit, but a business should never do anything to make a large profit.(19) There are more important things such as serving the costumers, workers and community. A business must make profits, but we all - workers, customers, community- must profit from a successful business.
（15）Generally, it can be said that an ultimate objective for a business is to make profits, but a business should never do anything detrimental to the rights and benefits of the customers, workers and the community to make a large profit. （16）Quite the contrary, businesses should do their part to contribute to the welfare of the groups.
注意改后的第15句，an ultimate objective for a business和the most important thing for a business的替换，改后非常准确，最终目标和最重要的目标，在意义上还是差一点的。原文的should never do anything to make a large profit显得很怪，既然profit重要，又怎么不能do anything to make a large profit，其实作者想表达的是要考虑到顾客和工人还有社会，那么就点明，不要留想象空间比较好。
最后有一个总结句，我们可以感觉到，专家的修改，往往会有一个总结句，无论是对一段话，还是一篇文章，会有一个特别精干的总结，这也是我们可以学习和注意的
