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[写作求拍] 5战托福,恳请牛牛帮忙改改作文

5战托福,恳请牛牛帮忙改改作文

40分钟左右写的,回头继续练速度!


High schools, universities and colleges should spend less time teaching  about general subjects and spend more time teaching about preparing for future career and jobs.

With the dramatically rapid development of modern society, the pace of our life is getting faster and faster, and the competition of graduations is becoming fiercer and fiercer. As a result, there is a growing awareness of the significance of lessons about preparing for future career and jobs. A considerable teachers and students even go so far as to say that our schools, no matter high schools, universities or colleges, should spend less time teaching  about general subjects but more time teaching about preparing for future career and jobs—which I take leave to doubt.

As is known to all, “knowledge is power.” Schools, since their born, serves as the mechanism to equip us with such power, that is to say, the fundamental function of schools is to impart broad knowledge to us. Only with well-rounded knowledge mostly obtained from general subjects at school can we further develop our capacity of hunting good jobs or even establishing our own career in the future. How can a tree grow high into the sky without large systems of roots fixed deep in the earth? Here, our sound knowledge acts as the roots of our future career. That’s why teaching about general subjects teaching should be regarded as prior to teaching about preparing for future career and jobs at school and thus we have to spend more time on the former one.

The above is but one of many aspects, another equally important reason rests on the fact that it is unrealistic to lend a hand to each student in preparing for future career and jobs since every student may have his or her unique goal in the future. The choices of students’ future career or job can vary from person to person. Some may dream of erect their own business, some may be satisfied with the job as a “white collar” in a corporation, some may think about becoming a teacher, also some others may insist on pursuing a master degree after graduation……the list goes on. How is it possible for any school to provide proper lessons to meet each student’s demand? Definitely, “No!” Therefore, it seems to be a wiser choice to offer more lessons on general subjects which are beneficial to the majority of students.

However, spending less time teaching about preparing for future career and jobs does not mean that we could totally ignore it or even eliminate it. A more realistic, flexible and efficient approach is to build a career consulting center or something like that, providing concrete and to-the-point help to each student need advices on hunting a job or set up a career in the near future.

Taking into account all the factors mentioned above, we now can come to the safe conclusion that although teaching students how to prepare for the future career and jobs is an integral part of our education, it should never take up more time than teaching general subjects which is the fundamental function of schools.

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文章还是写的很好的 论证很充分 结构也很完整 语法错误很少
感觉第一段在表达自己观点时:“which I take leave to doubt. ” 有点太隐晦, 不够力度, 在第一段说自己观点的时候最好一针见血。 要明确的表达自己的观点, 肯定否定中立都可以, 都切接说的太含糊

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谢谢小艾

那你觉得直接把“which I take leave to doubt. ”改成:“which I can hardly agree with. ”还是另起一段专门点题表观点更好?

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你问一下lz 5战多少分吗????

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回复 3# 的帖子

hardly 这个好
下次发作文注意排版, 字太小了 影响大家浏览

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